She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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