About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
it's like iHOP with fire
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
