Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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