My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
