guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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