Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
