Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
