I think my vagina is haunted
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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