It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
