I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
