dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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