Moan for me like Helen Keller
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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