I didn't shave. On purpose
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
