dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
