We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
