I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So much Jack, so little girl.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
