I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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