so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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