I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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