it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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