Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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