Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
