We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
