His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
