Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
