News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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