He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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