I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
