This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
