Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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