I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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