You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
