you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
