She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dicks are not precious.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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