The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I yelled at your uterus for you.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
