i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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