Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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