dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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