i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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