woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
