this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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