Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
