why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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