The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
