A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize