Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
