I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
