Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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