Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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