I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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