Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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