Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?