i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void