Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
When did angry sex become our thing?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
