I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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