Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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