Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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