I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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