If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
