Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.